First, I would like to point out that this book's subject is not original. They do it all the time, don't they, these bloody writers ? Problem is, when it's done in a less interesting way than their models, some books tend to be boring.

And this one is boring from beginning to end. Sometimes I think it's just our fucking pride that makes us read some books. If such-or-such bastard said that this was a good read, why not believe them ?

I was favourably inclined to read yet another Neil Gaiman book because I had quite liked one of his former stories, named "Neverwhere". So I thought this one would be all right as well.

It wasn't. There's no real plot to talk about. Just a lousy God-figure trying to find his way through America and explaining that all the immigrants from Europe or Africa had brought with them their gods and that the latter would inevitably clash with the ones already there, belonging to natives. What a hell of a story !

It lingers like that for hundred of pages, with plenty fucking descriptions and next to no action. And if you look for sex, no luck. It's nicey-nicey, the main (?) character finally finds a motherfuckin' god from Africa, and this one sucks a little less than the others. Gaiman was so pleased with it that he wrote another piece of shit about him and his sons "Anansi Boys". Which I didn't finish and probably never will.

Gaiman is an over-rated novelist and should have kept on writing for comic books.

Better read Jean Ray's "Malpertuis", about a house in which all the ancient gods are left to rot. This is the real shit. Gaiman's is amateurish and lack vision next to it.

1.Take your time. You have got plenty of it.
2.Think about all the cool people you are going to meet.
3.Make a list of all the nasty people you are going to haunt.
4.Mentally connect with the other cemetery patrons.
5.See ? Internet is free when you are dead.
6.Do not worry about your weight anymore.
7.Have yourself buried with sunglasses in case of blinding white light at the end of a tunnel.
8.Prepare for next reincarnation, as situation requires.
9.Choose your spirit friends. Do not let them choose you.
10.Perhaps you will meet the Travel Agent, perhaps you will not.

1. Get in the mood. Buy a kevlar cock shell. (Chuck-Norris style brands are advisable).
2. Stop stuffing your face with Doublemacs and donuts. Strap your beer gut so that it does not hide your cock anymore.
3. Pimp yourself, bitch ! Hos do not like their men without glittering teeth, jewelled glasses and twenty-five gold chains around their dicks.
4. You are just there for a shag, innit ? Therefore before you choose the lucky lady, practise and practise and practise again. Do not forget to empty the doll.
5. Feel better, now, eh dawg ? You can also practise thinking aloud : "Fuck you, Mom, I will get back when I feel like it !!"
6. Search the area for the likeliest preys. Bonnie the Turd may not be Scarlet Johansson but she looks for no Richard Geres either.
7. Stock for beer and drugs.
8. Stick to it if not successful right away. Change dealer accordingly.
9. Stick to it, but this time use coercion. The bitch will not always have a headache for Chrissakes !
10. Even Ted Bundy could do it, so stick to the corpse and have a good time, dawg !

1. EXCITATION

Kate Beckinsale. Ooooh my fucking blood, she's as hot as she's small. Pure, concentrated, highly-volatile awesomeness in upper and nether waistline groping zones.

2. DIVERSION

Let's quickly talk about someone else because I'm getting a big hard one and it is just not very convenient to type on my laptop. It bends on one side, now, fuck !

3. PLOT

The Romeo werewolf guy is somewhere between all right and okay. Nothing to say. Don't dig big guys with prognating chins.

 

 

Goth babes all over, of the vampire kind, of course, because you won't ever see hairy werewolf bitches with big teeth anywhere on screen or in your favourite junkyard. Ever. Why ? Because they don't give proper head, having big teeth and all. Whereas vampire girls are hot. That's a fact. And gifted in the buccal district, not just for biting.

4. PLOT AGAIN

Werewolves were slaves and vampires masters. Who cares ? The werewolf-in-chief, who wants an evening of the odds (Is it proper English ? Fuck this language). Wolfie wants revenge and transforms Romeo into a Werebastard and he can't love Kate as he'd like to. Tragedy.

5. MESSAGE

I wept all over my pizza in front of my century-old tv set when I saw that nobody would lay her. But it doesn't end like the 16th century fairy tale told by the big English faggot. No. They both stay alive because they can't die. Is it worse ? I think so. Forget the two sequels. One does not even feature Kate. Bloody hell !

6. CONCLUSION

Rating : 3.46788 out of 10, but it's because of OOOOOOoohh Kate !

I fuckin' LOVE horror books!

But not just books. I also love horror films and all things revolving around horror. Why ?

Because I think that all this shit gives us a pretty good insight on how we are going to look after we are dead. You and I are going to look like goo, after we have rotten a bit, and we are bound to look like dry junk after a certain time has elapsed.

BUT we are never going to look like the perfect angel-like bastards that some religions have advertized for two thousand years or more. Never, sucker. It is like that and you'd better accept it.

So this novel is about a chain-smoking hippie trash who has medium talents. And she wants to put them to the service of the community. Death Mask is just the name for a character that is created from scratch from someone else's wild dreams. It seems a bit far-fetched, but it all makes sense when you read the book.

Masterton has been really impressed by Oscar Wilde's "Dorian Gray Picture". So much so that he has already written another book following the same pattern as Wilde's famous novel, that is a portrait which has magic powers and in which you can also penetrate...For better or worse.

Here, the same kind of pattern is more or less used, and it is explained by the painter's wearing a magical necklace which is supposed to have retained the souls of dead celebrities. Crazy ones, for sure, because one of the trinkets it is made of belo,ged to Van Gogh...Whose mind sanity was indiscutably weak.

As usual in this writer's books, there are lots of suspense scenes, there are also a few expendable characters that he does not mind suppressing as cruelly as possible, all for the reader's pleasure.