2010
1. Get in the mood. Buy a kevlar cock shell. (Chuck-Norris style brands are advisable).
2. Stop stuffing your face with Doublemacs and donuts. Strap your beer gut so that it does not hide your cock anymore.
3. Pimp yourself, bitch ! Hos do not like their men without glittering teeth, jewelled glasses and twenty-five gold chains around their dicks.
4. You are just there for a shag, innit ? Then before you choose the lucky lady, practise and practise and practise again. Do not forget to empty the doll.
5. Feel better, now, eh dawg ? You can also practise thinking aloud : "Fuck you, Mom, I will get back when I feel like it !!"
6. Search the area for the likeliest preys. Bonnie the Turd may not be Scarlet Johansson but she looks for no Richard Geres either.
7. Stock for beer and drugs.
8. Stick to it if not successful right away. Change dealer accordingly.
9. Stick to it, but this time use coercion. The bitch will not always have a headache for Chrissakes !
10. Even Ted Bundy could do it, so stick to the corpse and have a good time, dawg !
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2010
1. Opinion
Demons are demons for fuck's sake !
They have no past, present or future. They reign and they hate us. That's what is written in their owner's manual. And the owner is Satan.
2. Plot
You don't become foster father for a fucking demon, that's a stupid premise for a film, book, comic, dream, whatever. (not bad, the list of words beginning by fucking f just before, hey ?)
3. Cast
Okay, I like Ron Perlman, because he looks like a chimpanzee on acid with the muscles of a baboon. A real nasty one. He always reminds me of Salvatore in "The Name of the Rose", the french flick with faggot monks and Sean Connery who plays a medieval Sherlock Holmes and finds the killer, who is blind and doesn't like laughter. Bit complicated, like all french shit.
4. Mistakes
Then, why is Hellboy such a shitty movie, even with Ron Perlman adorned with a prehensile tail coming out of his butt ?
Because.
You don't hang around with a half-corpse on your back. Monkeys can and often do. Especially when this half-corpse gives you directions. Under a fucking cemetary.
Some fights are okay, though. But the last one really pissed me off.
You don't whack a Cthulloid god by farting in its stomach after it swallowed you. I'm sorry. It looks as stupid as it reads, I know. So, even if Guillermo della Vacca is an okay director, this film's a no-no.
5. Conclusion
Rating : 3.5578 out of 10
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2010
1. Opinion
Diane Lane is fuckin' hot. She's a bit too old, but she's got one pretty ass and a not-too-wrinkled face. Great tits, too, provided they're still hers. Ahahah, I'm a bastard. I know.
2. Sources
Her previous flicks were mostly shit. Don't recall them and don't want to. How did I hear of this one ? Oh yeah, in BizarreMagazine, a mag for dirty-minded son-of-bitches of my kind. No, I don't show on their payroll. No, they don't send me free copies. I have been a faithful suscriber of theirs for 3 years. That shows how much of a pervy character I am. Anyway, there was a review of Untraceable in one of their issues.
3. Motivation
Why do I bother writing this one, then ? Don't know. Fuck you, I feel like it, that's all. The characters are utterly forgettable but the plot is OK. Sometimes, it's the opposite, as everyone knows, except you, perhaps.
4. Plot
I won't tell you what happens. But if there isn't a nice tale of revenge in there, I am your fag priest. Well, this revenge thing uses the internet and plays on people's natural voyeurism and nasty pulsions.
Of course, Lane will be chased by the sicko, whom I tend to think is the best person in the movie. And not because I'm a stupid fuck. I think the guy is righteous and the police should eat shit. Because Lane is an Internet Cop.
5. Message
The worst kind. She's no better than the sick fucks she pursues and her daughter should die. And her siamese cat, too. But, as you may guess, it's not THAT kind of film. Anyway, one cop dies in a vat of sulphuric acid.
Yep, that felt GOOD !
6. Conclusion
Rating : 8,098765432345678 out of 10I'm fed up of updating this shit, go directly to:
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2010
1. Contrition
Many of my film reviews have been abusive, I know it. I like to talk shit about films even sometimes for the sake of talking shit. Now, this time there will be many more praises than criticisms.
I must say first that I've read many books by Cormac MacCarthy, and if you don't know him, that's okay, because he's not so well-known. But you're a bunch of fucking idiots in case you don't, that's all.
2. Genius
He has written many awesome books like Child of God, which is a tale about one filthy serial killer you wouldn't believe his kind would exist in any other hell than the dirthole America today is. He will scare you shitless just by reading it. But being the morons you are, I reckon you even have serious trouble to read shit reviews like this one. So, forget about MacCarthy.
3. Sources
By the way, I mention him because he happened to write a book called just like the Coen Bros film. And it is the same story. Aaaaahhh, says you, a novelization ! No, shitheads, he wrote the novel FIRST. So the fucking Coen Bros just stole his story, wrote a screenstory of their own and also stole the best lines in the book.
But they are great film-makers, the bloody Bros. I don't like to acknowledge anybody else's talent, but they have got quite a load of it. The Fuckers.
4. Cast
Josh Brolin is a dope. He looks like shit and always has. Remember a shitpile called The Goonies No ? Better not, assholes. But if you do, he was the teenage pimple-free muscled shithead in it. No less. Well, he's always looked stupid in any movie. Except this one, because looking like a dumbass was part of the job. He fitted so well it was just a normal day for him.
5. Cast, continued
Other bastard in it was Tommy Lee Jones. Now, he looks like shit, too. But classy shit. If that does ever mean something. He's a kind of philosophical sheriff. That doesn't mean anything, either. But it does in this film. There are dead Mexicans aplenty, a slut who plays Brolin's dumb wife and an old woman, who dies of cancer, anyway.
6. Holy shit ! Heavenly cast !!!
BUT !!! Sons-of-bitches ! There's Javier Bardem. And he's fucking CRAZY in this film. He tosses coins to decide of the characters' fates, and he kills them all in the end. What a fucking lunatic, man !!! Almost too good to be true ! That doesn't tell you a thing about the plot, but who cares ? Watch him for Bardem, because he is one ugly motherfucker and he'll blow your ass as he blows people away with his cow-slaying machine. Yeah, he does.
7. Message
The Coen Brothers are fags, but their films have big balls, sure enough. Watch this one, assholes !!
8. Conclusion
Rating : 10 out of 9, holy Shit !!!!
No Country for Old Men, by the Bunnies :
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2010
1. Opinion
I'll try to remain cool while writing this, but it will be rather difficult.Horror movies have always been one of my favourite genres and it is always nice to see a good director trying his luck at such an underrated exercise.
Like many people, I've appreciated "The Shawshank Redemption", because of its strong story and the appeal of two fabulous actors, namely Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman. "The Green Line", by the same director Frank Darabont was a nicely done film, too. The actors were, in this case as in the other, very convincing and all had their personal touch to add to the movie.
2. Disappointment
Hence, I was looking forward to watch "The Mist", because of three reasons :
Number One, I had read pretty postive reviews about it. Number Two, Frank Darabont was the director, Number Three, it was another story by Stephen King, just like his two previous films. For once, I wasn't intent on talking shit about a film and rejoicing in advance. I really wanted it to be good and not be in my shame list here.
3. Cast
Boy, was I disappointed ! The story was completely inconsistent. There was no general direction in it. The actors thought it would be nice to get from the supermarket they were trapped in to another place where they would be no less in jeopardy. Whereas John Carpenter could build maximum tension in each of his films dealing with trapped people because there was something vital at stake in everyone of them, here we just watch rednecks getting more and more frightened and not being able to do anything about it.
4. Plot
The special effects were lame, at best, the creatures laughable and there was no sense of suspense or tension at all. What was really good, on the other hand, was the sense of exasperation you could get when the woman preacher gradually gathered all these poor retards around her and in the end demanded a human sacrifice to God, because they were all supposedly cursed for their numerous sins. Well, totally stupid. And you had to wait for nearly three quarters of an hour for someone to finally shot her in the head, whereas it should have taken five minutes for any decent man to do it.
5. Tears
What is left to say ? Not much, except that it seems that good plots and decent film-making seem to have disappeared from the face of this planet. And don't try to tell me that turds like "Hostel" or the "Saw" series are good. They're not. They're just porn horror movies with no sense of story-telling. Only triggered at the viewers' lowest instincts.
6. Conclusion
Rating : 0.000000000000010 out of 10, sadly.
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PETS PAGE, HANDSOME ! EVEN YOUR TAX GATHERER LOVES THEM !
RANDOM HATE PAGE, FELLA ! BECAUSE YOU LOVE TO HATE PEOPLE AND SHIT !
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GENIUS THOUGHTS CORNER, LUV !IT DOESN'T HURT TO THINK, AIN'T IT ?
LINUX PAGE, GENIUS ! THE BEST OPERATING FUCKIN' SYSTEM FOR COMPUTERS IN THE WORLD, POSSIBLY !
2010
Look at that fucker, people, No Hard-On !
Yeah, this guy has got nothing much on, a simple short underpant, he is jumping like a moron in the air and there are lots of attractive skinny female ballet dancers around him once he touches the fucking stage ground again. And still no fuckin' HARD Jesus ON !!
Why ? Because he is fuckin' gay like a walrus, like a sea cucumber on acid, like a motorcycled French fuckin' policeman, like any kind of gay person on Earth !
You are allowed to terminate your boy if he wants to be a ballet dancer !
It is easy to laugh at the neighbour's son, because he goes all excited about going to ballet dance and meet his girlie friends who will not ever be his girlfriends because everyone already knows that he is gay even though he is barely 6. Very easy.
But if your own boy says he wants to ballet dance just for the girls, shoot him first, before he ever finishes his plea. He is a fuckin' LIAR and just wants to be in his underpants with the other ballet boys and plays with his dick around his own kind.
No hard-on and gayness is a requirement for ballet dancing !
And you perfectly know it.
Have you ever seen a ballet dancer who is not a girl ? Yes, he is gay because no sane person in his right mind, without being a girl would choose ballet dancing over, let's say, football, or hunting, or amateur serial-killing. Whatever.
Problem is, they very rarely can dance together, these male ballet dancers, because they get big Hard-ons when they are an all-male company. So how do they avoid getting one ?
No idea, but it must be some gay trick, probably. They are asked to think of young women with big tits and pear-shaped perfect asses, and they magically go limp. Satisfied or your money back.
Male ballet dancers should be replaced by female ones !
This is the only possible solution. It will avoid families to have to watch limp male organs in front of sexually-offered young women, causing confusion in male teenagers' psyches, and making them think it is not normal to have their willies getting hard as wood in their underpants, while this is the only valid, acceptable behaviour any normal penis should have when smelling female genitalia not very far away. And sweaty with exhaustion.
There should be some kind of hormonal cocktail injected into some naturally strong female ballet dancers, so that they can carry their weaker counterparts when the story needs it. And it often does.
This is what ballet is about, goddammit : Attractive females in flimsy costumes and veils and arousing shit, to sexually arouse their all-male audiences.
All hail to belly-dancing and down with ballet dancing.
I'm fed up of updating this shit, go directly to:
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Don't miss all the rest, or you'll die stupid !
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BOOK PAGE, MAN ! KNOW HOW TO READ OR WHAT ?
GADGETS PAGE, DUDE ! DON'T WANT TO BE COOL WITH NEW SHIT ?
MUSIC PAGE, BUDDY ! CHICKS LOVE TO LISTEN TO SHIT ABOUT ROCK STARS !
PEOPLE PAGE, MY MAN ! BE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY WITH THIS COOL SHIT ABOUT INTERESTING DUDES !
PETS PAGE, HANDSOME ! EVEN YOUR TAX GATHERER LOVES THEM !
RANDOM HATE PAGE, FELLA ! BECAUSE YOU LOVE TO HATE PEOPLE AND SHIT !
VIDEO GAMES PAGE, GOV'NOR ! EVERTYHING EXPLAINED, ESPECIALLY WHY YOU SUCK SO MUCH AT THEM !
WEB SHIT PAGE, BUTTHEAD ! SNAZZY PICS AND STORIES GALORE STOLEN FROM EVERYWHERE !
GENIUS THOUGHTS CORNER, LUV !IT DOESN'T HURT TO THINK, AIN'T IT ?
LINUX PAGE, GENIUS ! THE BEST OPERATING FUCKIN' SYSTEM FOR COMPUTERS IN THE WORLD, POSSIBLY !
