2010
1. Get in the mood. Buy a kevlar cock shell. (Chuck-Norris style brands are advisable).
2. Stop stuffing your face with Doublemacs and donuts. Strap your beer gut so that it does not hide your cock anymore.
3. Pimp yourself, bitch ! Hos do not like their men without glittering teeth, jewelled glasses and twenty-five gold chains around their dicks.
4. You are just there for a shag, innit ? Then before you choose the lucky lady, practise and practise and practise again. Do not forget to empty the doll.
5. Feel better, now, eh dawg ? You can also practise thinking aloud : "Fuck you, Mom, I will get back when I feel like it !!"
6. Search the area for the likeliest preys. Bonnie the Turd may not be Scarlet Johansson but she looks for no Richard Geres either.
7. Stock for beer and drugs.
8. Stick to it if not successful right away. Change dealer accordingly.
9. Stick to it, but this time use coercion. The bitch will not always have a headache for Chrissakes !
10. Even Ted Bundy could do it, so stick to the corpse and have a good time, dawg !
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PETS PAGE, HANDSOME ! EVEN YOUR TAX GATHERER LOVES THEM !
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2010
1. Drunkenness
First, I must tell you that I am under the influence, writing this. But not underheroin influence. I have ingested some deciliters of fine French Red Wine and I fuck you if you don't like it. French red wine is the awesomest of all red wines in the world, and Chile and Aussie wine can get lost because they're bad, people. I'm telling you they are. So shut your mouth. I'm boss here.
2. Plot, perhaps
Aright. So let me talk about this flick. This was done after a book of the same name. Or so I've been told. By a man, I forgot his name, but fuck. Hey ! Who's boss here ? Shut the fuck up, dirty morons.
'kay. I remember now. SHUT UP, I SAID !!!!'kay. THrrrpss. Now, where was I ? 'kay, the hero is a little fuck. Goes by the name of...I forgot, now. SHUT UPsss, I say. 'kay.
3. Plot, continued
He's loaded all the time. Him and his moron friends, too. Bunch of sorry assholes. Scottish ones, too. The worst kind. There's one who shoots a film of him and his girlfriend fucking and the tape gets stolen and all his friends can see how lame he is in bed. THrrpss. Fuck him. Or her, I don't know. Well, he's lame, but she's got an okay ass and big tits, if you go for this kinda shit. I do.
4. Fuck it ! Plot again ?
Now, where was I ? Ah, yeah. 'kay. The hero wants to fuck all his friends, like all heroes. And he is successful, I'm telling you.
What sucks in this film, by the way ? Oh yeah.
5. Cast
The acting is terrible except for one or two bleeders. And the schoolgirl the hero finally gets laid with is not too bad. For a schoolgirl. And her parents are cool. They don't mind when they see the hero in a corridor of their house, even though they know he's fucked their 14-year-old daughter. Cool parents.
6. Message
There's something of a heist somewhere in this film, but I don't remember when or what for. Fuck you. You stink, assholes. I'm wasted.
Anyway. This is NOT a great film, because there's not enough SEX in it. Fuck you, I must go to bed.
7. Aright, the Message !
But there's a moral : DRUGS ARE BAD. STICK TO ALCOHOL, FUCKERS !!!!!
8. Conclusion
Rating : 3,9090909909090909345757575757 out of 10.
Don't miss my other totally awesome posts about Movies :
Lost in Translation : I hate Bill Murray !
The Matrix : Uri Geller's coffee spoons and other shit
Daybreakers : Planet of the Vampires ?
Twilight, the 1st movie : where are their fangs ?
Zombieland : as funny as Shaun of the Dead ?
The Crow : Brandon Lee fucked up !
Percy Jackson : Harry Potter with a HOT girlfriend ?
Ninja Assassin : Buckets of blood !
Prince of Darkness : Satan shit and horny students !
Twilight, 1° st part, where are their fangs ?
300, the movie : Lots of Gay Chippendales !
The Watchmen : Nice fights but not enough sex !
Donnie Darko : whoever pretends to understand that film is a fuckin' liar !
The Descent : six silly bitches got what they deserved
Dead Snow : Nazi Pirates of the Scandinavian Mountains ?
Titanic, let it sink, please !
28 weeks after : zombie from The Full Monty !
District 9 : Racism exposed
I'm fed up of updating this shit, go directly to:
MOVIES PAGE, BILLY BOY ! SO THAT YOU MIGHT GET A CLUE ABOUT THE BEST SHIT TO DOWNLOAD, HEY ?!
Don't miss all the rest, or you'll die stupid !
TV SERIES PAGE, SHITTER ! HAVE YOUR FIX OF IDIOT BOX NONSENSE !
BOOK PAGE, MAN ! KNOW HOW TO READ OR WHAT ?
GADGETS PAGE, DUDE ! DON'T WANT TO BE COOL WITH NEW SHIT ?
MUSIC PAGE, BUDDY ! CHICKS LOVE TO LISTEN TO SHIT ABOUT ROCK STARS !
PEOPLE PAGE, MY MAN ! BE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY WITH THIS COOL SHIT ABOUT INTERESTING DUDES !
PETS PAGE, HANDSOME ! EVEN YOUR TAX GATHERER LOVES THEM !
RANDOM HATE PAGE, FELLA ! BECAUSE YOU LOVE TO HATE PEOPLE AND SHIT !
VIDEO GAMES PAGE, GOV'NOR ! EVERTYHING EXPLAINED, ESPECIALLY WHY YOU SUCK SO MUCH AT THEM !
WEB SHIT PAGE, BUTTHEAD ! SNAZZY PICS AND STORIES GALORE STOLEN FROM EVERYWHERE !
GENIUS THOUGHTS CORNER, LUV !IT DOESN'T HURT TO THINK, AIN'T IT ?
LINUX PAGE, GENIUS ! THE BEST OPERATING FUCKIN' SYSTEM FOR COMPUTERS IN THE WORLD, POSSIBLY !
2010
1. Excitation
Kate Beckinsale. Ooooh my fucking blood, she's as hot as she's small. Pure, concentrated, highly-volatile awesomeness in upper and netherwaistline groping zones.
2. Diversion
Let's quickly talk about someone else because I'm gettinga big hard one and it is just not very convenient to type on my laptop. It bends on one side, now, fuck !
3. Plot
The Romeo werewolf guy is somewhere between all right and okay. Nothing to say. Don't dig big guys with prognating chins.
Goth babes all over, of the vampire kind, of course, because you won't ever see hairy werewolf bitches with big teeth anywhere on screen or in your favourite junkyard. Ever. Why ? Because they don't give proper head, having big teeth and all. Whereas vampire girls are hot. That's a fact. And gifted in the buccal district, not just for biting.
4. Plot again
Werewolves were slaves and vampires masters. Who cares ? The werewolf-in-chief, who wants an evening of the odds (Is it proper English ? Fuck this language). Wolfie wants revenge and transforms Romeo into a Werebastard and he can't love Kate as he'd like to. Tragedy.
5. Message
I wept all over my pizza in front of my century-old tv set when I saw that nobody would lay her. But it doesn't end like the 16th century fairy tale told by the big English faggot. No. They both stay alive because they can't die. Is it worse ? I think so. Forget the two sequels. One does not even feature Kate. Bloody hell !
6. Conclusion
Rating : 3.46788 out of 10, but it's because of OOOOOOoohh Kate !
Don't miss my other totally awesome posts about Movies :
Lost in Translation : I hate Bill Murray !
The Matrix : Uri Geller's coffee spoons and other shit
Daybreakers : Planet of the Vampires ?
Twilight, the 1st movie : where are their fangs ?
Zombieland : as funny as Shaun of the Dead ?
The Crow : Brandon Lee fucked up !
Percy Jackson : Harry Potter with a HOT girlfriend ?
Ninja Assassin : Buckets of blood !
Prince of Darkness : Satan shit and horny students !
Twilight, 1° st part, where are their fangs ?
300, the movie : Lots of Gay Chippendales !
The Watchmen : Nice fights but not enough sex !
Donnie Darko : whoever pretends to understand that film is a fuckin' liar !
The Descent : six silly bitches got what they deserved
Dead Snow : Nazi Pirates of the Scandinavian Mountains ?
Titanic, let it sink, please !
28 weeks after : zombie from The Full Monty !
District 9 : Racism exposed
I'm fed up of updating this shit, go directly to:
MOVIES PAGE, BILLY BOY ! SO THAT YOU MIGHT GET A CLUE ABOUT THE BEST SHIT TO DOWNLOAD, HEY ?!
Don't miss all the rest, or you'll die stupid !
TV SERIES PAGE, SHITTER ! HAVE YOUR FIX OF IDIOT BOX NONSENSE !
BOOK PAGE, MAN ! KNOW HOW TO READ OR WHAT ?
GADGETS PAGE, DUDE ! DON'T WANT TO BE COOL WITH NEW SHIT ?
MUSIC PAGE, BUDDY ! CHICKS LOVE TO LISTEN TO SHIT ABOUT ROCK STARS !
PEOPLE PAGE, MY MAN ! BE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY WITH THIS COOL SHIT ABOUT INTERESTING DUDES !
PETS PAGE, HANDSOME ! EVEN YOUR TAX GATHERER LOVES THEM !
RANDOM HATE PAGE, FELLA ! BECAUSE YOU LOVE TO HATE PEOPLE AND SHIT !
VIDEO GAMES PAGE, GOV'NOR ! EVERTYHING EXPLAINED, ESPECIALLY WHY YOU SUCK SO MUCH AT THEM !
WEB SHIT PAGE, BUTTHEAD ! SNAZZY PICS AND STORIES GALORE STOLEN FROM EVERYWHERE !
GENIUS THOUGHTS CORNER, LUV !IT DOESN'T HURT TO THINK, AIN'T IT ?
LINUX PAGE, GENIUS ! THE BEST OPERATING FUCKIN' SYSTEM FOR COMPUTERS IN THE WORLD, POSSIBLY !
2010
1. Opinion
Seriously, what kinda shit is that ? Why do we have to watch a stupid asshole for more than two hours on end ? Him and his box of bloody chocolates ? At least in "Rain Man", the moron could count okay and his story was half-plausible.
2. Plot
Now, this Forrest shithole met the most important people of the time and couldn't even understand what he was fucking doing there. And all the while his childhood sweetheart was used and abused as she had been by her father.
3. Mistakes
It's a catalogue of all the perversions of the sixties seventies eighties and nearly nineties, with her getting AIDS and all. And we are made to believe that it's better to be a retard than a "normal" adult. Please.
4. Message
We're supposed to think that if we keep our innocence we will be left untouched by the passing years. Is it better to be a fuckhead or to lose one's legs or to be loaded with drugs and had delusions of becoming an artist ? That's what this stupid film would like us to choose between. There is NO SUCH CHOICE, ASSHOLES !!
5. Cast
Tom Hanks is perfect for these kind of movies. It's not difficult to like him because he looks like your kid's teacher. You nearly have to make a conscious effort to remember his face, so bland it is.
Is it meant to show us, to teach us something, perhaps ? Oh, yes, I know : shrimps are good !
6. Conclusion
Rating : 0.0000000988 out of 10
Don't miss my other totally awesome posts about Movies :
Lost in Translation : I hate Bill Murray !
The Matrix : Uri Geller's coffee spoons and other shit
Daybreakers : Planet of the Vampires ?
Twilight, the 1st movie : where are their fangs ?
Zombieland : as funny as Shaun of the Dead ?
The Crow : Brandon Lee fucked up !
Percy Jackson : Harry Potter with a HOT girlfriend ?
Ninja Assassin : Buckets of blood !
Prince of Darkness : Satan shit and horny students !
Twilight, 1° st part, where are their fangs ?
300, the movie : Lots of Gay Chippendales !
The Watchmen : Nice fights but not enough sex !
Donnie Darko : whoever pretends to understand that film is a fuckin' liar !
The Descent : six silly bitches got what they deserved
Dead Snow : Nazi Pirates of the Scandinavian Mountains ?
Titanic, let it sink, please !
28 weeks after : zombie from The Full Monty !
District 9 : Racism exposed
I'm fed up of updating this shit, go directly to:
MOVIES PAGE, BILLY BOY ! SO THAT YOU MIGHT GET A CLUE ABOUT THE BEST SHIT TO DOWNLOAD, HEY ?!
Don't miss all the rest, or you'll die stupid !
TV SERIES PAGE, SHITTER ! HAVE YOUR FIX OF IDIOT BOX NONSENSE !
BOOK PAGE, MAN ! KNOW HOW TO READ OR WHAT ?
GADGETS PAGE, DUDE ! DON'T WANT TO BE COOL WITH NEW SHIT ?
MUSIC PAGE, BUDDY ! CHICKS LOVE TO LISTEN TO SHIT ABOUT ROCK STARS !
PEOPLE PAGE, MY MAN ! BE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY WITH THIS COOL SHIT ABOUT INTERESTING DUDES !
PETS PAGE, HANDSOME ! EVEN YOUR TAX GATHERER LOVES THEM !
RANDOM HATE PAGE, FELLA ! BECAUSE YOU LOVE TO HATE PEOPLE AND SHIT !
VIDEO GAMES PAGE, GOV'NOR ! EVERTYHING EXPLAINED, ESPECIALLY WHY YOU SUCK SO MUCH AT THEM !
WEB SHIT PAGE, BUTTHEAD ! SNAZZY PICS AND STORIES GALORE STOLEN FROM EVERYWHERE !
GENIUS THOUGHTS CORNER, LUV !IT DOESN'T HURT TO THINK, AIN'T IT ?
LINUX PAGE, GENIUS ! THE BEST OPERATING FUCKIN' SYSTEM FOR COMPUTERS IN THE WORLD, POSSIBLY !
2010
1. Opinion
It was cold in the fucking cinema.
The film lasted too bloody long. when you thought it was going to end, at last, new bullshit happened. The camera kept on spinning around actors, I nearly barfed on the old woman reeking expensive perfume in front of me.
2. Plot
The good lieutenant dies and then, he does not. Fuck him.
The DA assistant replacement was not as hot as Katie Holmes. Nobody in his right mind could get a hard-on when looking at her. Even me.
The big black tattoed convict in the ferry was a sissy. I would have pushed the button and had the other ferry with good citizens explode. Like he cared... More bullshit.
3. Mistakes
Harvey Dent is a stupid name, must have come from the Hitchhiking guide to the galaxy, only stupider. This DA was a caricature, really. And he had a eighties hair-style which made him look even more stupider.
There was a nice good-versus-evil imagery, though. Really well explained for moronic viewers. The coin with the blackened face and the shiny one, just like the DA partly burnt face, a metaphor for his Terminator-killing-the-bastards-side and his still living part. Oh, I get it ! Something died in him, right ? Then he died for good. I applauded. Only schmucks die in this film. Poetic justice reversed. Must be new psychofucking meaningful but I don't get it. I thought this was an action movie, not a fucking sermon.
4. Cast
The Joker had a shitty make-up.
His scars were all right, though.
He was nicely crazy. At least he didn't have a stupid name.
I nearly fell asleep.
5. Conclusion
Rating : 2.23 out of 10
Don't miss my other totally awesome posts about Movies :
Lost in Translation : I hate Bill Murray !
The Matrix : Uri Geller's coffee spoons and other shit
Daybreakers : Planet of the Vampires ?
Twilight, the 1st movie : where are their fangs ?
Zombieland : as funny as Shaun of the Dead ?
The Crow : Brandon Lee fucked up !
Percy Jackson : Harry Potter with a HOT girlfriend ?
Ninja Assassin : Buckets of blood !
Prince of Darkness : Satan shit and horny students !
Twilight, 1° st part, where are their fangs ?
300, the movie : Lots of Gay Chippendales !
The Watchmen : Nice fights but not enough sex !
Donnie Darko : whoever pretends to understand that film is a fuckin' liar !
The Descent : six silly bitches got what they deserved
Dead Snow : Nazi Pirates of the Scandinavian Mountains ?
Titanic, let it sink, please !
28 weeks after : zombie from The Full Monty !
District 9 : Racism exposed
I'm fed up of updating this shit, go directly to:
MOVIES PAGE, BILLY BOY ! SO THAT YOU MIGHT GET A CLUE ABOUT THE BEST SHIT TO DOWNLOAD, HEY ?!
Don't miss all the rest, or you'll die stupid !
TV SERIES PAGE, SHITTER ! HAVE YOUR FIX OF IDIOT BOX NONSENSE !
BOOK PAGE, MAN ! KNOW HOW TO READ OR WHAT ?
GADGETS PAGE, DUDE ! DON'T WANT TO BE COOL WITH NEW SHIT ?
MUSIC PAGE, BUDDY ! CHICKS LOVE TO LISTEN TO SHIT ABOUT ROCK STARS !
PEOPLE PAGE, MY MAN ! BE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY WITH THIS COOL SHIT ABOUT INTERESTING DUDES !
PETS PAGE, HANDSOME ! EVEN YOUR TAX GATHERER LOVES THEM !
RANDOM HATE PAGE, FELLA ! BECAUSE YOU LOVE TO HATE PEOPLE AND SHIT !
VIDEO GAMES PAGE, GOV'NOR ! EVERTYHING EXPLAINED, ESPECIALLY WHY YOU SUCK SO MUCH AT THEM !
WEB SHIT PAGE, BUTTHEAD ! SNAZZY PICS AND STORIES GALORE STOLEN FROM EVERYWHERE !
GENIUS THOUGHTS CORNER, LUV !IT DOESN'T HURT TO THINK, AIN'T IT ?
LINUX PAGE, GENIUS ! THE BEST OPERATING FUCKIN' SYSTEM FOR COMPUTERS IN THE WORLD, POSSIBLY !
2010
This band is basically a one-man band : Robert Fucking Smith egovision of his beautiful self.
He wanted to find a cure for the lack of interest of the pop music of his time. He began as all aspiring art students did, that is, singing about literary themes painfully absorbed, badly digested and barfed on a music sheet. And the result was a song about Camus' 'The Stranger', called Strangers on a beach, if I recall correctly.
AND IT WAS BORING.
A grand total of about a dozen notes and even fewer chords. And it began a staple in the Cure's music. All the subsequent songs got the same treatment and this was considered arty and the Smith gang kept on making money and Robert whining his teenage complaints well after the age of 40.
Now for the best part of his career : he invented a hairstyle, called the funeral palmtree. That's about all.
Rating : 0.0000000000011145 out of 10
I'm fed up of updating this shit, go directly to:
MOVIES PAGE, BILLY BOY ! SO THAT YOU MIGHT GET A CLUE ABOUT THE BEST SHIT TO DOWNLOAD, HEY ?!
Don't miss all the rest, or you'll die stupid !
TV SERIES PAGE, SHITTER ! HAVE YOUR FIX OF IDIOT BOX NONSENSE !
BOOK PAGE, MAN ! KNOW HOW TO READ OR WHAT ?
GADGETS PAGE, DUDE ! DON'T WANT TO BE COOL WITH NEW SHIT ?
MUSIC PAGE, BUDDY ! CHICKS LOVE TO LISTEN TO SHIT ABOUT ROCK STARS !
PEOPLE PAGE, MY MAN ! BE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY WITH THIS COOL SHIT ABOUT INTERESTING DUDES !
PETS PAGE, HANDSOME ! EVEN YOUR TAX GATHERER LOVES THEM !
RANDOM HATE PAGE, FELLA ! BECAUSE YOU LOVE TO HATE PEOPLE AND SHIT !
VIDEO GAMES PAGE, GOV'NOR ! EVERTYHING EXPLAINED, ESPECIALLY WHY YOU SUCK SO MUCH AT THEM !
WEB SHIT PAGE, BUTTHEAD ! SNAZZY PICS AND STORIES GALORE STOLEN FROM EVERYWHERE !
GENIUS THOUGHTS CORNER, LUV !IT DOESN'T HURT TO THINK, AIN'T IT ?
LINUX PAGE, GENIUS ! THE BEST OPERATING FUCKIN' SYSTEM FOR COMPUTERS IN THE WORLD, POSSIBLY !
