1. Opinion

FUCK !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I idolize this bloody film !!!!!
If you haven't seen it yet, you will painfully simmer in brimson and the Eternal Embers of the Sub-NetherSome Regions of the Darkest Infernos. And I'll personally make sure you do !!!
This Epic Nonsensical piece of Celluloidal Matter should be duplicated one Billion Times a year and bottle-fed to any humanturd that comes to life on this bloody planet, so that he can be sure that this is the place in which geniuses dwell. And one Genius in particular : Paul Veroehven.
He's a genius, although he has a fuckin' difficult name I never seem able to spell correctly. But he remains a genius, even if he is often considered as a second-rate filmmaker. Those who say that will have their ashes copiously pissed upon by Satan's own Minions. I'll also make sure they get the punishment they deserve.
So this film is even better than Robocop itself.
Yeah, another masterpiece by Veroheven. He can even film one of his turds falling in stop-motion in his filthy toilets. And it would be GREAT.

2. Plot

As if one of these great movies should ever need one ! But there is one, fuckers, and even your grandma could get it and enjoy it, as simple and at the same time cunning, efficient, heart-wrenching, fucking simplistic and utterly philosophical it is !
Yeah, even YOU might grasp its primary meaning, that is, if you haven't smoked or sniffed, injected, or drunk too much of the stuff your local unfriendly drug-peddler has been unloading daily on your door-mat.
Yeah, even YOU.
Such is Veroehehven GREATNESS and unparallelistic GENIUS !!
So, what is the plot, your surviving orphaned neuron might wonder out loud in the vast and barren surface your once prolific brain-machine has now become ?
Something about fucking BUGS which would take control of our Long-Cherished Earth. End of it. Got it ? In one sentence, ZAPPP !! Here is the plot in its breath-taking simplicity.
Of course, the fucking insects are innocent and Man, as always, acts like your unfriendly drug-dealer. He wants to get the dough and fuck your girlfriend. Which the BUG doesn't care about. As far as it is concerned he would rather keep on destroying its fellow Bugsy Creatures. But Lo, Man wants to take control!! So the Bugs will kick Man's ass. And Rip his limbs, Tear his guts, and more generally Make a joyful mess of his Fucking Self-centered Stance. Serves him Right.

3. Cast

If you have not yet understood what kind of all-encompassing Genius Paul VERERROeveen is, just look at the actors he has chosen to star in his Celluloidal Sixtine Chapel :
1. THE HOTTEST PIECE OF ASS AND TITS I have ever seen on a screen. Ladies and Gentlemen, let us all bow before the Most Beautiful Actress that has ever graced the dark theatres of her blissful presence : DENISE RICHARDS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She's so hot that even when you look at her teeth you must dive backwards for fear of getting bludgeoned by your own mighty erectile power.
2. THE MOST BAD-ASSED STEEL-JAWED FUCKING PIECE OF ACTING TESTOSTERONE OF A MAN EVER TO HAVE BITTEN THE CAMERA : MICHAEL IRONSIDE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's so tough he can transform milk into human sperm just by appearing on the screen. If you have not seen David Cronenberg's Scanners, you will of course be cursed for all Eternity and you did not feel the utter Pleasure of seeing Michael making someone's head EXPLODE !!!! SPPLLLAAAATTTTTT !!!
Well, there are also some other fuckers who do not deserve being mentionned here, so devoid of substance they are compared to these two Stunning Meteors of Acting Genius.
Denise has the best tits and ass in the whole Galaxy. Full Stop.

4. Message

Denise is a perfect woman, Michael is a perfect man. Full stop.
Well, BUGS are sticky when you stomp them.

5. Conclusion

Do yourself a favor and run to watch this film or steal it or rent it, but do something before your brain has totally decayed beyond rejuvenation. You'll grow younger after seeing Starship Troopers, because even doctors recommend watching it twice a day to all theirmentally-challenged patients, whose ranks are steadily increasing day by day.

Rating : 65 brazillions out of 10

STARSHIP TROOPERS TRAILER :

Don't miss my other totally awesome posts about Movies :

Lost in Translation : I hate Bill Murray !
The Matrix : Uri Geller's coffee spoons and other shit
Daybreakers : Planet of the Vampires ?
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Zombieland : as funny as Shaun of the Dead ?
The Crow : Brandon Lee fucked up !
Percy Jackson : Harry Potter with a HOT girlfriend ?
Ninja Assassin : Buckets of blood !
Prince of Darkness : Satan shit and horny students !
Twilight, 1° st part, where are their fangs ?
300, the movie : Lots of Gay Chippendales !
The Watchmen : Nice fights but not enough sex !
Donnie Darko : whoever pretends to understand that film is a fuckin' liar !
The Descent : six silly bitches got what they deserved
Dead Snow : Nazi Pirates of the Scandinavian Mountains ?
Titanic, let it sink, please !
28 weeks after : zombie from The Full Monty !
District 9 : Racism exposed

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1. Opinion

This guy like looks like shit. He is not the only actor to be really ugly, but he is clearly one of the ugliest.
Of course, everyone knows it is just bad make-up. In real life, he is so ugly that milk turns to diarrhea every time he gets close to a dairy.

2. Plot

Supposedly a doctor, the "hero" is bored. How could I find new horrible diseases, just for the sport, and the fame, to be the first one to cure them ? How ?
Because the good doctor is really a limping piece of shit, but has a big one inside his pants, which has not given any sign of life, lately.
Hence, the frantic search for new excitement,in the shape of horribly suffering patients, who will so grateful that they will let do them in any orifice whatsoever.

3. Characters

Apart from the doctor, who is their guru and let them kiss his big toe every morning after they have shown him the insides of their underwear, there is nobody worth mentionning.
Sometimes there is a patient with a very graphic skin disease, and it is a breath of life on this otherwise dull TV Series.
I only watched one episode of Dr House, then I quit. There are so many better things in wait to be done on this here Satan-forsaken planet !

4. Message

It is never nice to be stuck in a hospital. Except when you are waiting for the day-shift nurses to empty your piss-bottle and that they don't bother lifting the sheet to get at your johnny all erected in anticipation.
Romances between hospital staff members seem to be very fashionable, anyway, and I really don't know why. Some would say that it is because of the mixture of pain, love, ambition and many more objectionable features, such as the focus on sterile empathy that viewers are constantly fed while watching these series.

5. Conclusion

As for me, I am just fed up with them.

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1. Opinion

Would your Daddy be proud of you if he saw you ?

The guy called Bruce Fucking Lee ?

Bet he wouldn't. You look like a cross between a goth faggot and a white clown. I'm really sorry for you.

2. Plot

There was this guy, he was a lousy guitar player. All he could do was making shrill noise out of it. He had a girlfriend, and she was short-sighted, because if she had seen his sorry-assed face, she'd surely have run away first thing.

Then he is killed by a bunch of psychos, because they felt like it, like true fuckheads anywhere. Good beginning. Problem was, he wasn't really dead and a fucking crow knocked on his tombstone to tell him that he could take revenge on his and his girlfriends' murderers. He thought it was fun, and anyway, he had nothing else to do, being dead.

Normal series of killings, he kills them one after the other. Bit boring. But a bitch noticed that if she hurt the crow, the zombie from beyond would get hurt, too. Interesting.

Last, big battle between the Psychos Boss and him, the zombie with the stupid make-up.

3. Mistakes

Not hiring Kurt Russell.

Because Snake Plissken would not have been killed by such a stupid bunch of ducks fuckers. He would have atomised their ugly whiny faces as easily as letting out one of his deadly farts.

Snake would have.

4. Message

When you make shrill noise with your guitar, you get punished.

Pushing dope is not good to be a convincing mummy. Fucking your dealer is not, either.

Crows are not nice birds. No birds are nice, anyway. They just shit on churches and statues and on my car, which I hate.

5. Cast

Brandon Lee died during the film and that saved us from the risk of seeing him any longer in other cinematographic turds like this one. It's a relief.

The Asian bitch who plucked up the eyes of her girlfriends was Fucking HOT. Had I been the Crow (Eric Draven, Eric the Raven, wooooo, man ! Really clever pun !), I'd have tried to show her my dead testicles !

The little bitch with the skateboard deserved a spanking for talking shit to a fat black policeman after 10 pm.

6. Conclusion

That was a boring experience, mostly. It was night all the time and it also rained too much in this movie.

Rating : 0,000000889 out of 10.

THE CROW TRAILER :

Don't miss my other totally awesome posts about Movies :

Lost in Translation : I hate Bill Murray !
The Matrix : Uri Geller's coffee spoons and other shit
Daybreakers : Planet of the Vampires ?
Twilight, the 1st movie : where are their fangs ?
Zombieland : as funny as Shaun of the Dead ?
Percy Jackson : Harry Potter with a HOT girlfriend ?
Ninja Assassin : Buckets of blood !
Prince of Darkness : Satan shit and horny students !
Starship Troopers : Bugs that Suck your Brains !
Twilight, 1° st part, where are their fangs ?
300, the movie : Lots of Gay Chippendales !
The Watchmen : Nice fights but not enough sex !
Donnie Darko : whoever pretends to understand that film is a fuckin' liar !
The Descent : six silly bitches got what they deserved
Dead Snow : Nazi Pirates of the Scandinavian Mountains ?
Titanic, let it sink, please !
28 weeks after : zombie from The Full Monty !
District 9 : Racism exposed

I'm fed up of updating this shit, go directly to:

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MUSIC PAGE, BUDDY ! CHICKS LOVE TO LISTEN TO SHIT ABOUT ROCK STARS !
PEOPLE PAGE, MY MAN ! BE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY WITH THIS COOL SHIT ABOUT INTERESTING DUDES !
PETS PAGE, HANDSOME ! EVEN YOUR TAX GATHERER LOVES THEM !
RANDOM HATE PAGE, FELLA ! BECAUSE YOU LOVE TO HATE PEOPLE AND SHIT !
VIDEO GAMES PAGE, GOV'NOR ! EVERTYHING EXPLAINED, ESPECIALLY WHY YOU SUCK SO MUCH AT THEM !
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LINUX PAGE, GENIUS ! THE BEST OPERATING FUCKIN' SYSTEM FOR COMPUTERS IN THE WORLD, POSSIBLY !

1. Opinion

I went to see that film with a girl I wanted to lay, and that did not help. Each time I tried to put a finger between her thighs, she just whimpered and moaned that Leonardo was so hot.
Fucking bitch !

2. Plot

First woman we see is an old harpy and we wonder what the fuck she is doing there. Then we begin to get it. It's really stupid. So I won't tell you.

3. Special Effects

They were really impressive and the cruise boat, though we know it sank like an old pair of pants loaded with drug money, took ages to do it on screen. For our special viewing pleasure.
The water did its job and flowed approximately everywhere. The deck chairs also were nice enough to be correctly lighted and every other bit of furniture and people broke and got drowned rather graciously.
But, oh my fucking God, there was an acme to all this sinking drowning, breaking, general wrecking and whatnots. It was when the fucking ship took the vertical stance, like a Sit on it, mate ! finger pointed to God's beard, who didn't care much as usual, anyway.
Yeah, that was incredibloodyble. Ooooohhh, baby ! Leonardo di Carpaccio was all wet and had copiously and repeatedly pissed his pants, but he still pretended to be the hero of this mess. Whereas he was just his usual whimpy self.

4. Cast

The guy hero, you know him. He looks like he is 12-years-old and has lost his GI Joe action figure somewhere in a bloody amusement park and cries for his mommy, while the nice woman of the "Missing Fuckers" desk asks everybody on the mike where his fucking parents are because he's there waiting.
And crying.
And pissing his pants.
And putting fingers alternatively in his nose and his shit-clotted asshole.
Yeah, and sucking the lot.
And there's the girl heroine.
Chubby, on the fatty side and she blushes all the time. Why is she blushing like that, even if we know, and she also knows, that the 12-year-old guy won't ever be able to put anything than his dirty fingers in her own asshole or vagina, or the likes ?
It's a mystery.
Perhaps is it just cold on the boat.

5. Message

When you're old, just die.
Because nobody fucking cares whether you were good-looking or rich when you happened to be younger. You're just an old hag.

6. Conclusion

I didn't lay the girl, but a friend of mine did. She was fuckin' good in bed, he added. But as he's always been a liar, I didn't believe him.

I would like to say they both got AIDS and died in unbearable pain, only they didn't.
I wish they had, somehow.

 

Rating : 0,0000000067 out of 10

BUNNIES ' VERSION OF TITANIC, MUCH BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL !

Don't miss my other totally awesome posts about Movies :

Lost in Translation : I hate Bill Murray !
The Matrix : Uri Geller's coffee spoons and other shit
Daybreakers : Planet of the Vampires ?
Starship Troopers : Bugs that Suck your Brains !
Dead Snow : Nazi Pirates of the Scandinavian Mountains ?
Twilight, the 1st movie : where are their fangs ?
Zombieland : as funny as Shaun of the Dead ?
Percy Jackson : Harry Potter with a HOT girlfriend ?
Ninja Assassin : Buckets of blood !
Prince of Darkness : Satan shit and horny students !
Twilight, 1° st part, where are their fangs ?
300, the movie : Lots of Gay Chippendales !
The Watchmen : Nice fights but not enough sex !
Donnie Darko : whoever pretends to understand that film is a fuckin' liar !
The Descent : six silly bitches got what they deserved
The Crow : Brandon Lee fucked up !
28 weeks after : zombie from The Full Monty !
District 9 : Racism exposed

I'm fed up of updating this shit, go directly to:

MOVIES PAGE, BILLY BOY ! SO THAT YOU MIGHT GET A CLUE ABOUT THE BEST SHIT TO DOWNLOAD, HEY ?!

Don't miss all the rest, or you'll die stupid !

BOOK PAGE, MAN ! KNOW HOW TO READ OR WHAT ?
TV SERIES PAGE, SHITTER ! HAVE YOUR FIX OF IDIOT BOX NONSENSE !
GADGETS PAGE, DUDE ! DON'T WANT TO BE COOL WITH NEW SHIT ?
MUSIC PAGE, BUDDY ! CHICKS LOVE TO LISTEN TO SHIT ABOUT ROCK STARS !
PEOPLE PAGE, MY MAN ! BE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY WITH THIS COOL SHIT ABOUT INTERESTING DUDES !
PETS PAGE, HANDSOME ! EVEN YOUR TAX GATHERER LOVES THEM !
RANDOM HATE PAGE, FELLA ! BECAUSE YOU LOVE TO HATE PEOPLE AND SHIT !
VIDEO GAMES PAGE, GOV'NOR ! EVERTYHING EXPLAINED, ESPECIALLY WHY YOU SUCK SO MUCH AT THEM !
WEB SHIT PAGE, BUTTHEAD ! SNAZZY PICS AND STORIES GALORE STOLEN FROM EVERYWHERE !
GENIUS THOUGHTS CORNER, LUV !IT DOESN'T HURT TO THINK, AIN'T IT ?
LINUX PAGE, GENIUS ! THE BEST OPERATING FUCKIN' SYSTEM FOR COMPUTERS IN THE WORLD, POSSIBLY !

I LOVE THAT FUCKIN' VIDEO

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The Sisters of Mercy : Hell of a fuckin' bitch !
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Kiss : longest tongue in the world !
Led Zeppelin : heavy-metal gods turned into bag ladies !
Bob Marley : this man stole your marijuana !

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TV SERIES PAGE, SHITTER ! HAVE YOUR FIX OF IDIOT BOX NONSENSE !
GADGETS PAGE, DUDE ! DON'T WANNA BE COOL WITH NEW USELESS SHIT ?!
PEOPLE PAGE, MY MAN ! BE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY WITH THIS COOL SHIT ABOUT INTERESTING DUDES !
PETS PAGE, HANDSOME ! EVEN YOUR TAX GATHERER LOVES THEM !
RANDOM HATE PAGE, FELLA ! BECAUSE YOU LOVE TO HATE PEOPLE AND SHIT !
VIDEO GAMES PAGE, GOV'NOR ! EVERTYHING EXPLAINED, ESPECIALLY WHY YOU SUCK SO MUCH AT THEM !
WEB SHIT PAGE, BUTTHEAD ! SNAZZY PICS AND STORIES GALORE STOLEN FROM EVERYWHERE !
GENIUS THOUGHTS CORNER, LUV !IT DOESN'T HURT TO THINK, AIN'T IT ?
LINUX PAGE, GENIUS ! THE BEST OPERATING FUCKIN' SYSTEM FOR COMPUTERS IN THE WORLD, POSSIBLY !